Tag Archives: mistress

She nodded as he lied to the children (2)

It might seem strange after such a short conversation to know it was over but she did. She told the kids dad had gone on another work trip, the kids were not phased he was always doing that. She met a divorced girl friend in the supermarket car park after dropping the kids off who just held her. She asked if he was on drugs, had a brain tumor or another woman. 

‘No no no he just doesn’t want me anymore.’

She googled what to do and decided that he had to decide if it was over and called him, he said it was but wanted some time to think about it. How long she asked? Six months he said, maybe more, she was thinking more like the weekend! She said if he needed that long he had to tell the kids. He agreed and came round in the evening and told the kids lies while she nodded.
‘It will be amicable’
‘I still love your mum’
‘There’s no one else’
‘If we split up everything will be divided equally’

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Advice to my twenty year old self

As we start a new year I was reflecting what I would tell my twenty year old self inspired by the blogger named twentysomething.

The obvious stuff has pit falls – don’t marry him, but then I wouldn’t have my two lovely children and being what I was, I’d probably have married someone similar. So I’ll try to write advice supporting rather than just say no!

I would tell the young me, you are an adult now, every decision now should be your own, take responsibility for it.

No one else knows what they are doing either.

Don’t let your partners career succeed to the detriment of yours.

He isn’t always right just because he dominates.

Take control of the family finances – even more so if it’s his area of expertise.

When children arrive leave them in his sole care often.

If you think he is having an affair he probably is.

Don’t worry about no sex for five years as you will have an amazing time exploring that area very soon, yes even though you are over forty, men will still find you attractive and you will be amazed at how it feels to make love with someone who loves you.

When he leaves it will be the start, not the end of your life in many ways. Stop crying and play with your children.

Are you a codependent and are you in a bad relationship – a checklist

I am a codependent but I strive not to be in a codependent relationship. I believe my nature (DNA) is codependent reinforced by an abusive childhood and hammered home by marrying a narcissist. No medical training just my experience talking. Better not Broken blogged about a checklist with some very strong ‘tells’ such as ‘does your partner use the choke hold in sex, does he own a gun’ and I felt my personal checklist was a little more subtle and promised I’d try to write it. I do hope I can separate the two things, although I will always be a codependent, I am trying very hard to not be in a codependent relationship so there are two checklists. So here goes.

Are you a codependent?
Are you told often you are too nice?
Do you love to solve people’s problems?
Do you shrink if people around you get angry – even if it’s not at you?
Are you always offering to help and then wondering why you did because it will make things difficult for you?
If anything goes wrong even if not your fault do you take the blame?
When you book tickets for friends do you pay the booking fee?
Do you find your days todo list is mostly what other people have asked you to do?
Are you unable to let yourself go and think about what you really want to do?
Do you have time for hobbies? Do you think your lack of hobbies makes you boring?
Would you give up your meal for someone else and hide the fact you haven’t been able to eat?
When someone lets you down do you strive to make them feel ok about it?
Do you excuse and defend others their bad behaviour?
Do you pick up the dog poo on a dog walk?

Are you in a subtle codependent relationship?
It was a whirlwind romance and you were swept off your feet.
If you are doing something together like cooking and it goes wrong, you take the blame and he lets you.
When you try to help with something they should be doing and it isn’t perfect they have a tantrum and make it your fault.
If you book a holiday on orders to their chosen destination you get anger and derision at your spending when the bill arrives.
Money, you are given an allowance it’s not equal despite your partnership.
They are not open about their income.
They hide things from you.
They have more than one mobile phone.
Your codependency is assumed – ‘I’m going out Friday’ Not ‘can you look after the kids please’
They conflict, in that they want a stay at home mum for kids but also a wife with a great job and respect.
When you get a job it is undermined.
If your boss is kind and you enjoy your job you must be having an affair.
They talk of support but they don’t do it.

They talk love but they don’t do it.

You are ostracised from your family.
You get the silent treatment.
They don’t feel the need to explain why they are late, you just have to accept.
If you try to ask (you suspect an affair) the response is if you ask again I will have an affair.
The home is never clean enough.
You are made to feel stupid, you watch the wrong tv.
You start looking into plastic surgery to make yourself better for them.
You are scared to get counselling because underneath you know the councillor will see what you are, and your partner doesn’t want you to.
They suggest you are depressed and you start to believe them.
They withdraw from sex.
You find the occasional sex is only ever about their pleasure, and if you fail to make them come it’s your fault.
They withdraw completely physically.
They tell you you are too needy.
You are always defending them, to your kids, family and friends.
They are too important to do menial tasks.
You have to sign documents without reading them.
You have to entertain all their important people and do all the work but they take the credit.

You feel small.

By no means an exhaustive checklist and entirely from personal experience. I am so hopeful that by knowing what I am I can change how I behave. Happy, healthy new year everyone!

 

beware divorce statistics

Beware of statistics

I was told that
More women initiate divorce than men
80% of children live with mums mostly or exclusively

More women initiate divorce, well on paper maybe – I still thinking sticking your cock in a woman who’s not your wife is initiation of divorce! 

I’m not sure why I initiated the legal divorce and not him, it seemed logical, he had left, he had a new woman and I was just a loose end, I was living on handouts from him with no legal enforcement. He told me it was over, so why would I want to stay married? Maybe there was an element of politeness? He didn’t want to publicly dump me? Or maybe he felt if he initiated the kids would see his guilt? I wonder that I conceded to unreasonable behaviour and not adultery when that’s what he was doing, but I figured adultery was pretty unreasonable behaviour.

Why would I want to be the wife of someone who was fucking someone else, of course I wanted a divorce.

Perhaps it’s more interesting to ask why men don’t initiate divorce more? Because they can appear generous with handouts as it’s not legally binding ( just don’t give her enough to hire a lawyer), because they know that they might get bored of the mistress and the wife is still waiting. Because they really don’t care? So they don’t look guilty of adultery? Because the law is there to protect and they don’t think they are doing any harm? Because they feel above the law? Because they never saw the marriage as a legally binding contract. Because having two women makes them feel like a man?

 

Why do 80% of kids live with mums? Because most dads want it this way! Few men contest (though they moan over a pint) because if they had kids at home they wouldn’t be able to go out for a pint, hold down a full time job, work late, go to the pub after work, play or watch sports at the weekend, get promoted, earn a living wage.

 

Please don’t take statistics at face value, they need to be questioned and the questions need to be questioned. 

post divorce or marriage finance and law

Post marriage/divorce law

Two stories

Story 1
My friend is a 40ish young widow. 5 years on she has found love and would like to marry, she’s religious and it matters to her to say her vows in front of god. However if she marries she becomes her new man’s chattel and as such will lose her widows pension. She can’t afford to marry him, if the marriage failed she would have nothing.

Story 2
My friend is a 40ish divorcee. She married young and she and her husband built a business together, when children came along she was less involved in the business and brought the children up and worked part-time. He left, his choice not hers, breaking their contract. 

In divorce she can not make him sell the business and give her a percentage, what would be the point, so he agreed to pay her each month a fixed figure. He claimed he couldn’t afford a final settlement, it’s his nature to live on loans. But this is classed as spousal maintenance, so she can never remarry or co-habit, while he can, while the business grows from the seeds they set up together she is on a fixed income. Again although divorced she is his chattel until another bloke takes her on.

Law for women stinks, the poorer spouse can not afford to challenge the law, the richer spouse has the law in their favour so they are not going to alter it.

Bittersweet Memories

Bittersweet memories

As I heard a song today from Take That – ‘Back for good’ I was transported in time, pre divorce time, to going to their concert with my two best friends. At first the memory was happy, it was a great weekend, then the dirty black infection of my divorce tainted it, these friends dropped me like a stone, maybe their marriages were in trouble and I was infectious? Or their husbands too entwined financially with mine? But as the song says ‘whatever I said I didn’t mean it’ and that was them. It seems we were not true friends, it was a shallow thing and I fell for it. Perhaps I’m being too harsh, but not once have these best buddies invited me out since he walked.

The sadness of divorce is that all your happy memories are shattered, all those times of fun, building the children’s treehouse, dancing in the moonlight, in hindsight you look back and think, was he wishing he wasn’t there then, was he thinking of her then?

However hard I tried he had left me long before he walked out the door and now every happy memory – and I admit most of that 25 years has sadly disappeared in to a self defensive (a sort of PTSD blanking) black hole – is painted with sadness and pain. It’s as if each memory has been wrapped in tissue and put away like a beautiful precious Christmas decoration, now I am unwrapping each one so slowly, but they are broken and cut me.

The things he said to me when I went through each miscarriage (I stopped counting when we got to double figures), were they just words, did he really blame me? When he couldn’t make love, was it really that he felt nothing for me anymore, is that really what all these men who can’t er, perform are thinking? When we laughed was his real? When was that moment that it turned from love to hate and resentment? Can I spot that moment? Had he had other affairs all the time we were married or was it just one big mid life crisis at the end? Questions interrogate each memory.

Will my memories ever return to me washed of the dirt of divorce and betrayal so that I can remember a happy family with laughing children, a beautiful time? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him back – I want him gone for good as Take That would say, I’m not that forgiving. So why can’t my memories be sweeter? There is also guilt, how do I be with my new partner and admit I was happy before too? Do we have to demonise our past to make our present feel secure?

Is that one more thing I have lost, 25 years of memories have to be rewritten, my perceived history has turned out to be a lie and impossible to rewrite so my brain has buried it deep only to bring a sharp snap of pain when I see a photo, hear a song or reminder where there used to be pleasure.

This forces me to move on in a cautious way, I won’t make friends lightly, I will never be able to trust a lover in the same way, there will always be an escape route now or at least a place to retreat to, it’s just self preservation. Maybe it’s no bad thing to keep a little independence, a little strength in reserve. I do wish I could remember happy times though.

he has just left me tips

He’s just left tips

Again based on my own experience, yours will be different

 

Don’t believe anything he says from now on, you are no longer his prime concern, he is

Play good music, my daughter made me a playlist of the usual heartbreak songs, it was great

Just wait it out and try to take care of yourself and your kids, the acute pain really will pass, it will, but will take a few weeks for the darkest mist to lift

Watch movies, read, anything to give your brain some time out from the hurt and the questions, you won’t remember what you watched, just try to give yourself some time to reset.

Talk to a good friend you trust. Try not to off load on the kids, just cuddle them instead

Sometimes it doesn’t take two to end a marriage, don’t take on all the blame.

If he says there is no one else I’d not believe it, though sometimes this may be true, but in my case he was less than open about his mistress till I met her ex-husband on a dating site 9 months later and he told me he knew years ago but didn’t want to upset our family.

Exercise, no you won’t feel like it but force yourself even if it’s a walk, try to eat enough

Get some cash out the bank and put it aside, just in case.

Don’t worry about telling people, that matters less than you’d think, if possible tell your kids together, let him tell his family, but you might want to check he hasn’t lied to them, mine was a coward and told his mum it was me having an affair – brace yourself for the lies

Try to be decisive, especially if you have kids, it really messes with heads if you keep getting back together

Book an appointment with relate and either go by yourself or together

Keep a diary

Take your time

 

A bit later


Don’t let him touch you when you meet, a possessive pat on the bum after they left you is not on
 
Get a good lawyer – not just a lawyer
 
Keep good records of everything you spend/owe, keep that diary going
 
When facing the world chin up, smile, shoulders back
 
Keep playing good music ask friends for a playlist of upbeat songs if they offer help
 
Try some meditation not medication if you can, Andrew Johnson has helped me sleep, stay positive and move on
 
Make lists, everything, financial, what you hate about him, what you loved about him, people who can help.
 
Set up a free rude email address for him with a password you won’t remember(don’t tell him). When you feel like telling him exactly what you think of him in not so generous terms write to this address. It feels great with no repercussions.
 
Enjoy your freedom, you’ve probably lost weight, smile at someone today.
 
If you can’t email him nicely ask a friend if you can blind copy her in so when you write you know she will read them and you will be forced to be polite.
 
You will find friends drop off, this is about their problems not yours, don’t take it personally, it might shock you who abandons you in need, but better to find out now.
 
Make a list of things you want to do, a bucket list and start crossing them off, no one can stop you now, yes I did a parachute jump

 

I know there are loads more things I’d like to say and I’d love to hear other peoples tips from their experience. If you are reading this after he/she has just left you. Take it slow, give yourself time to heal and grieve, don’t take on all the blame, life has much more to offer you.