Tag Archives: men

Stories form us

I believe us humans learn how to behave, and a certain amount of our moral compass from stories, either family stories, books, tv – think Friends, songs, film etc. 

So by sticking our male children from 10-20+ in front of a story that is or similar to Grand Theft Auto or Call of Duty for hours and days at a time (unlike a single story book) what can we expect from them as adults. It amazes me they can function in the real world at all after almost total submersion with their peers into a world of sex, violence and narcissism. 

I’m not saying they will all be serial killers but their out- look on the every day minutae of life will be framed by the stories they have been submerged in. Expectations of relationships and how to treat women, the ability to just restart if something goes wrong. How to treat fellow humans that get in your way. It scares me. 

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She nodded as he lied to the children (2)

It might seem strange after such a short conversation to know it was over but she did. She told the kids dad had gone on another work trip, the kids were not phased he was always doing that. She met a divorced girl friend in the supermarket car park after dropping the kids off who just held her. She asked if he was on drugs, had a brain tumor or another woman. 

‘No no no he just doesn’t want me anymore.’

She googled what to do and decided that he had to decide if it was over and called him, he said it was but wanted some time to think about it. How long she asked? Six months he said, maybe more, she was thinking more like the weekend! She said if he needed that long he had to tell the kids. He agreed and came round in the evening and told the kids lies while she nodded.
‘It will be amicable’
‘I still love your mum’
‘There’s no one else’
‘If we split up everything will be divided equally’

Freedom is scary

Four years ago my life as I knew it ended, he left and ended my love, my children’s childhoods, my sense of where I was in my world, my home, my job, my security, my ability to trust. I survived and slowly I’m rebuilding but now I face another period of endings.

My youngest will soon leave home, my poor dog is on her last legs and the cat not far behind, even my dear mum is struggling. My menopause is here and I’m losing my youth and probably my libido too. My partner is moving to the other side of the country.

With the loss of things In the past I gained freedom, but it’s scary stuff. I can move to almost anywhere, start again except I’m starting as a middle aged person, not a mum with kids in the same school. It’s going to be hard to break into the inevitable middle class, middle age cliques, a place I don’t fit at the best of times, but, I can reinvent myself – Madonna style. I don’t think I have the energy to be anyone other than me though.

My last enforced freedom had me jumping out of planes and into bed with near strangers, luckily one of those strangers saw through all that and had the patience and understanding to hold me.

I’m worried I’ll have the strength to face the next set of endings that seem to be converging, beyond my control to the same few days in my near future, a real punch to my belly. Can I face the horrors of loss and stand up again somewhere new, I won’t be alone this time but my gallant knight has a few rust spots and belly wounds as well, that’s why he was so understanding.

It’s a chance to move away from the pain, but the pain has a certain familiarity.

Mr Floppy and good sex

How many guys stop and roll over when they know they won’t come? How many girls? I don’t understand why when a guy gets a floppy its end game.

Ok we get that that its not our fault or your fault, it’s probably medical, age, alcohol etc but you don’t need to reach for the Viagra, you don’t need to turn over and sulk, you don’t need to lie there static while we try to bring it to life.

Most women don’t always come but we mostly still have a go for our partners sakes and because it’s still pleasurable touching, being touched and getting intimate. I wish when a bloke got a floppy he said oh well I’m just going to concentrate on her. Guys you really don’t need a hard on to make us happy, don’t you think lesbians gave great sex and there’s not a cock in sight! Use your fingers tongue and imagination and you might give your girl such a great time that the old man comes back to life to join in, but even if he doesn’t you’ll have a very happy partner beside you instead of someone who feels rejected and unattractive.

Don’t you think you get the most pleasurable sex when you make it about your partner (and they make it about you)?

Advice to my twenty year old self

As we start a new year I was reflecting what I would tell my twenty year old self inspired by the blogger named twentysomething.

The obvious stuff has pit falls – don’t marry him, but then I wouldn’t have my two lovely children and being what I was, I’d probably have married someone similar. So I’ll try to write advice supporting rather than just say no!

I would tell the young me, you are an adult now, every decision now should be your own, take responsibility for it.

No one else knows what they are doing either.

Don’t let your partners career succeed to the detriment of yours.

He isn’t always right just because he dominates.

Take control of the family finances – even more so if it’s his area of expertise.

When children arrive leave them in his sole care often.

If you think he is having an affair he probably is.

Don’t worry about no sex for five years as you will have an amazing time exploring that area very soon, yes even though you are over forty, men will still find you attractive and you will be amazed at how it feels to make love with someone who loves you.

When he leaves it will be the start, not the end of your life in many ways. Stop crying and play with your children.

I was a broken chair

Sometimes a broken thing can be fixed to be stronger and more beautiful.

My new partners parents had an old painted dining chair in their bathroom. It had a metal plate quite crudely screwed on where the back had previously been broken and I couldn’t help reflect as I lay in the bath that I was that chair.

Sat upon for years, part of a set, then broken and cast off on my own, then some very kind person saw something in me, took the time to mend me so that I was stronger than ever before, if a little scarred, but standing on my own and doing what I needed to do in life.

How many women say ‘What I earn pays for the childcare’. How many men?

The assumption is that it’s the woman’s wage that pays for the childcare. Even if the money goes into the same pot, the joint account, in our thoughts, women earn their salary less the childcare. I don’t know any men that think they pay even half the childcare if their children’s mother works.

It really bugs me the ingrained misogyny that us girls utter ourselves and buy into. I heard one radio dj interviewing a female singer who had recently given birth, his first question was – who’s looking after the baby? I know he would not ask that of a male singer who’d recently had a child. I wish she had asked him back who was looking after his.

Jeremy Vine recently mocked that Ed Milliband didn’t know what his wife spent on the weekly shop. How funny but even worse is that Jeremy Vine assumes it’s the wife’s job to the shop and the husbands to check what she’s spending. We should search out and challenge these assumptions we have inherited.