Tag Archives: loneliness

Empty nest

Empty nest

I picture myself dying of cancer, the rosie dream is that one is surrounded by loved ones, but in sneaks the reality, ‘Mum I’m busy this weekend I’m having dinner with my girlfriend and her mum’, ‘works been tiring this week’, ‘I’m going skiing with dad’ my children’s lives, the people who have meant everything to me for the last twenty years, have other priorities, much more interesting temptations.

 

I know in reality my death will be empty and alone escorted to the end by the long blip of the heart monitor.

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Empty Nest

That was so quick, two little embryos grown and about to fly, literally to the other side of the world. I’m left with the pets and quiet bedrooms gathering dust.

 It didn’t all go to plan, I was expecting as the children left to be pet free and have time for our own adventure with my husband. Sadly five years ago he started his adventure without me! My lovely pets are showing remarkable health, bouncing along happily.  But this doesn’t mean huge changes are not afoot, life is going to be so free with no one to answer to and I – who thought 10 years ago my life was mapped out – have no idea what is behind that next enticing door. 

 

Isn’t life fun when you don’t know what’s going to happen next, plans are over rated!

Free (5)

People started asking why his name wasn’t on the Christmas card. He hadn’t wanted anyone to know, so this was the first most people had heard of the break up. 

She was invited to a New Year’s Eve wedding. He had the kids so she was going alone to the evening do. She realised as she got dressed in her new slimline figure that she was free. She could wear what she wanted and say what she liked and behave in anyway for the first time in 25 years. As she dressed she reflected that before he would tell her what to wear and and while she put her makeup on he would be telling her what she should say. She would drive so he could drink. This time her friend had offered her a couch. 

She wore a tight black satin dress with dark makeup to hide the tear stains and new gauntness, as she walked into the party she felt the men looking at her. She saw their eagerness when she said she was newly single. To someone so fragile the flattery was completely seductive, a lad 10 years younger than her gave her plenty of attention but she had been warned he was a philanderer. She didn’t care, it’s not like she wanted anything serious, and heck he was fit and charming whilst her ex was a fat bolding accountant. As Big Ben hit 12 they only had eyes for each other and a passionate embrace and swapped numbers as he left. 

The party carried on and I could pretend the next didn’t happen but it did. A spliff went round an already drunk set of stragglers. This was new to her but life was being reinvented and when you get that low you are free to try anything. She was off her head, someone started kissing her and she responded. He walked her to a barn and there was a fumble but even in her state of intoxication she managed to say no and it went no further than a bit of a grope. She left and sat for most of the rest of the night talking to a lovely lady beside a fire pit. 

 

In the morning she could not recall his face and don’t think she ever knew his name, not even embarrassed she was so full of self hate she didn’t care.

She nodded as he lied to the children (2)

It might seem strange after such a short conversation to know it was over but she did. She told the kids dad had gone on another work trip, the kids were not phased he was always doing that. She met a divorced girl friend in the supermarket car park after dropping the kids off who just held her. She asked if he was on drugs, had a brain tumor or another woman. 

‘No no no he just doesn’t want me anymore.’

She googled what to do and decided that he had to decide if it was over and called him, he said it was but wanted some time to think about it. How long she asked? Six months he said, maybe more, she was thinking more like the weekend! She said if he needed that long he had to tell the kids. He agreed and came round in the evening and told the kids lies while she nodded.
‘It will be amicable’
‘I still love your mum’
‘There’s no one else’
‘If we split up everything will be divided equally’

I can’t do this anymore (1)

‘I can’t do this any more’
‘If you feel like that you had better leave’.
‘You mean the spare bedroom or …’
‘No. Just go’.
He left, it was probably their third or fourth major argument in their twenty five year marriage and still no raised voices. With the gift of hindsight she realised the argument a couple of years before was when she knew it was over, he had explained that he was only staying for the children. She thought it was just a blip. Now she realised he couldn’t even do that. She still loved him. He had been out the night before like he often did these days and when he got home she had complained that he never wore his wedding ring. She cried all night and in the morning they had this four line conversation and it was over.

Driverless cars – beware the revolution

Our future is to be driverless cars which although a bit scary is incredibly exciting, the question is should they be driverless cars like cars were horseless carriages or should we be thinking bigger and more originally than that?

I see a transport revolution, many jobs will be lost, taxi drivers, lorry drivers, transport police so it will be painful but it will be a world where no one breaks transport law, no parking on double yellows, speeding or traffic light running. Less accidents so the ambulance, fire and police services will be able to concentrate on other things. No petrol stations no having to go to food shop, will we all become agoraphobic?

The kids can be taken to school and you can go to work. No one to drive so your work day can start the moment you get in the car, probably with a coffee machine instead of a driving wheel. No more parking problems, the car can drop you off then take itself off for other journeys or wait in an out of town park waiting for your call.

Thinking big though, should we be thinking this is the end of car ownership? Instead a subscription service, you pay your subscription and order a car for your daily commute, a computer can work out all the journeys of every commuter so you always get to work on time. You book a car like taxi. To go out to a rural pub, you can both drink, country pubs take note in 10 years you will enjoy the fruits of this revolution.

Still there needs to be thought into the downsides, I could send a car to take my mum to her frequent hospital appointments but our older generation is lonely as it is, me and my mum still enjoy seeing each other on these visits, the school run has been a useful time to prepare my kids for their day ahead and ‘download’ on their way home the events of the day. The job losses will be far reaching. The lack of individual expression in our cars could have negative side effects – who doesn’t smile at an old classic driving by or even a young driver with their blinged up banger? But there are huge positives that we can’t ignore, but I would hope it could be thought through in a creative, innovative way instead of an adaption of something we already have.

Freedom is scary

Four years ago my life as I knew it ended, he left and ended my love, my children’s childhoods, my sense of where I was in my world, my home, my job, my security, my ability to trust. I survived and slowly I’m rebuilding but now I face another period of endings.

My youngest will soon leave home, my poor dog is on her last legs and the cat not far behind, even my dear mum is struggling. My menopause is here and I’m losing my youth and probably my libido too. My partner is moving to the other side of the country.

With the loss of things In the past I gained freedom, but it’s scary stuff. I can move to almost anywhere, start again except I’m starting as a middle aged person, not a mum with kids in the same school. It’s going to be hard to break into the inevitable middle class, middle age cliques, a place I don’t fit at the best of times, but, I can reinvent myself – Madonna style. I don’t think I have the energy to be anyone other than me though.

My last enforced freedom had me jumping out of planes and into bed with near strangers, luckily one of those strangers saw through all that and had the patience and understanding to hold me.

I’m worried I’ll have the strength to face the next set of endings that seem to be converging, beyond my control to the same few days in my near future, a real punch to my belly. Can I face the horrors of loss and stand up again somewhere new, I won’t be alone this time but my gallant knight has a few rust spots and belly wounds as well, that’s why he was so understanding.

It’s a chance to move away from the pain, but the pain has a certain familiarity.