Tag Archives: feminism

Stories form us

I believe us humans learn how to behave, and a certain amount of our moral compass from stories, either family stories, books, tv – think Friends, songs, film etc. 

So by sticking our male children from 10-20+ in front of a story that is or similar to Grand Theft Auto or Call of Duty for hours and days at a time (unlike a single story book) what can we expect from them as adults. It amazes me they can function in the real world at all after almost total submersion with their peers into a world of sex, violence and narcissism. 

I’m not saying they will all be serial killers but their out- look on the every day minutae of life will be framed by the stories they have been submerged in. Expectations of relationships and how to treat women, the ability to just restart if something goes wrong. How to treat fellow humans that get in your way. It scares me. 

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Living as a Chattel

Freedom not ownership

The other day I realised that living as a Chattel gave me certain freedoms, ironically as a Chattel by definition is being someone’s property/slave. 

Let’s be clear I do not want to be a Chattel and hate this Victorian law that labels me as my ex husbands property until I remarry, he settles or either of us die (although he can do what he likes).

However there are certain perks, the primary one is I don’t have to be anyone else’s chattel, I can not make the same mistake again. No rushing into marriage or co-habitation for me. My codependent and romantic nature cries out to be some bodies ‘the one’, but my chattel status removes my ability to form a committed relationship, so I don’t have to commit, or worry if I’m sure or doing the right thing and neither does a lover. The stakes are so high I can live in a permanent state of never having to risk being owned by anyone else.

I could remarry and lose the stake in a business I helped set up but I’m not going to give away what’s rightfully mine for a marriage that despite my commitment could be thrown away by someone else’s wandering cock, like last time. I don’t have young children and won’t have more, so the need for marriage isn’t there. I admit my conditioned nature of social norms sometimes dreams of marriage and happy ever after but my chattel status squashes that down to an uncomfortable niggle. People change and I’m not sure if I want to or need to take that risk again. My chattel status gives me (and any lover I have) the perfect excuse to never address the future, to live in the moment. 

When your options are reduced life becomes simpler, freedom? Why would I want that? 

Gay rights will help hetrosexual human rights

Becoming a chattel

 

Two women (or men) fall in love, they are 18 and penniless.

Three years later they marry.

They both work but also start their own business. 

At 27 they start a family and decide that one will give up her career to bring up their family in the way they both want. 

Business goes really well. One works full time while the other rears the growing family and supports her partner in the business. 

At 45 the partner that works in the business full time has an affair and wants to end the marriage. 

Now what do you think happens

Their assets get split equally and both move house.

The partner who has control of the business gets a big mortgage and continues a very lavish lifestyle. The child rearer can not get a mortgage so lives frugally within her means.

But what about the business? The partner that cheated keeps the business while the other now non-skilled partner gets a payment each month from the business. The court decides 4% of the business profit. Which is just enough to live on, the cheating partner gets to keep 96% of a thriving business.

The law dictates that the partner that now owns the business can have intimate relationships and remarry without any consequence. The non skilled partner can only co-habit or remarry if she forgoes her monthly payments from the business (that she helped set up and enabled the controlling partner to succeed at whilst having a family as well). The controlling partner could opt for a final settlement but that doesn’t make financial sense, this way she has a loan that might just dissapear and has no interest.  She also gets to control her ex’s life.

That is the law as it stands today for hetrosexuals. I don’t think gay people will stand for this in their relationships. 

This happens in hetrosexual relationships because in uk law today women are regarded as chattels when they marry.

 

Chattel definition

n.

1. Law An article of movable personal property.

2. A slave.

Mr Floppy and good sex

How many guys stop and roll over when they know they won’t come? How many girls? I don’t understand why when a guy gets a floppy its end game.

Ok we get that that its not our fault or your fault, it’s probably medical, age, alcohol etc but you don’t need to reach for the Viagra, you don’t need to turn over and sulk, you don’t need to lie there static while we try to bring it to life.

Most women don’t always come but we mostly still have a go for our partners sakes and because it’s still pleasurable touching, being touched and getting intimate. I wish when a bloke got a floppy he said oh well I’m just going to concentrate on her. Guys you really don’t need a hard on to make us happy, don’t you think lesbians gave great sex and there’s not a cock in sight! Use your fingers tongue and imagination and you might give your girl such a great time that the old man comes back to life to join in, but even if he doesn’t you’ll have a very happy partner beside you instead of someone who feels rejected and unattractive.

Don’t you think you get the most pleasurable sex when you make it about your partner (and they make it about you)?

How many women say ‘What I earn pays for the childcare’. How many men?

The assumption is that it’s the woman’s wage that pays for the childcare. Even if the money goes into the same pot, the joint account, in our thoughts, women earn their salary less the childcare. I don’t know any men that think they pay even half the childcare if their children’s mother works.

It really bugs me the ingrained misogyny that us girls utter ourselves and buy into. I heard one radio dj interviewing a female singer who had recently given birth, his first question was – who’s looking after the baby? I know he would not ask that of a male singer who’d recently had a child. I wish she had asked him back who was looking after his.

Jeremy Vine recently mocked that Ed Milliband didn’t know what his wife spent on the weekly shop. How funny but even worse is that Jeremy Vine assumes it’s the wife’s job to the shop and the husbands to check what she’s spending. We should search out and challenge these assumptions we have inherited. 

Father Christmas, The Book Thief & positive male role models

Father Christmas, The Book Thief and positive male role models

Last night I sobbed through the film of the The book Thief. As her dear papa died I wondered what it must feel like to have had that sort of relationship with your father. I can see how I am shaped by a childhood of fear from those closest to me and that love and fear have been totally screwed up in my head. My father used physical abuse and I moved on quickly, to marry early into emotional and verbal abuse, being grateful and misguidedly wrong in my belief in how lucky I was to have found a man who didn’t hit me.

He never hit me and rarely even shouted at me but I was tortured nonetheless, the gas lighting, the total removal of any power in the relationship, he held the purse strings. An example from many, he would order me to book a holiday (obviously he chose where) on the joint credit card then when the bill came in he would cold shoulder me as the bill was high and I had been extravagant. I was punished for doing as I’d been told, mocked in front of my peers, this behaviour over 25 sends you a bit crazy.

But what I wanted to explore is the importance of a loving positive role model in a child’s life, recently my daughter asked if I would marry my partner as he’d make a really cool grandad, I would love to break the mould and give my grandkids a sweet and loving man in their life. But I can’t marry again.  I think it would be an incredible feeling to have that certainty behind your every move in life that a positive male role model could give. I hope that more dads this year lay off the office networking party booze (at least every weekend and most weeknights!) and think about how their children perceive them on the weekends as involved fathers enjoying their family instead of hungover angry bears that we have to step around carefully so as not to wake the monster.

To have a father who has a pillow fight with you, who takes you shopping for a gift for mum and struggles beside you with wrapping paper and sellotape. Who gets involved in decorating the tree instead of ripping it down in a drunken rage. A dad who watches the Christmas play or stays up late to fetch you from your first teen party. To have a father that can show you how much he loves you must be the biggest gift Father Christmas could give a child this year.

Looking at erotic images together


Looking at erotic images together

So a boyfriend suggested we look at some porn together, no problem, we enjoyed looking through all the images in a few of his mags. But here’s the problem, very few pics are of men and frankly none of them looking very erotic.

In one magazine I rather liked, the photos were artful, the girls stunning, no pictures of any thing more than a nipple but much more erotic than the gynaecological photos in other mags. However still no pictures of men. So I find some pictures I like and say have a look at these. What a reaction! After I’d joined in and admired the girls in his mags, he seemed to think glancing at an oiled up bare chested bloke would instantly turn him gay. I exclaim shocked, do you think I’m a lesbian (not that it’s a problem but so far I’m not) because I looked at your mags, why can’t you look at these with me and enjoy, as I did yours?

When I look at the girls in the mags I can admire their beauty but other horrid thoughts go through my head, I worry about how voluntary it is for the girls, he obviously thinks about making love to them and has a w*** while he does. The green eyed monster nudges me and I push it away, I can’t live up to their perfectly photoshopped glistening bodies but they are not real, I am. But of course my self esteem is knocked a bit. So how can a mans super self esteem and confidence not cope with a pic of another sexy bloke. Is their arrogance huge but so fragile?

He once said if I didn’t share porn with him he’d do it in private, go underground, is that what I have to do? Is that what women have to do? Finding a private moment to sit and watch the Marks and Spencer David Gandy adverts and enjoy a warm moist feeling. But I’m a bit angry the feminist in me says ‘is this another way of eroding women’s self esteem while preserving their arrogance’ that in our modern world women are expected to join the mans porn but they won’t join our erotica?

Note: I’ve used the words porn and erotic – porn being very explicit, erotic being very sexy, which can overlap but also entirely different.