Tag Archives: dog

Freedom is scary

Four years ago my life as I knew it ended, he left and ended my love, my children’s childhoods, my sense of where I was in my world, my home, my job, my security, my ability to trust. I survived and slowly I’m rebuilding but now I face another period of endings.

My youngest will soon leave home, my poor dog is on her last legs and the cat not far behind, even my dear mum is struggling. My menopause is here and I’m losing my youth and probably my libido too. My partner is moving to the other side of the country.

With the loss of things In the past I gained freedom, but it’s scary stuff. I can move to almost anywhere, start again except I’m starting as a middle aged person, not a mum with kids in the same school. It’s going to be hard to break into the inevitable middle class, middle age cliques, a place I don’t fit at the best of times, but, I can reinvent myself – Madonna style. I don’t think I have the energy to be anyone other than me though.

My last enforced freedom had me jumping out of planes and into bed with near strangers, luckily one of those strangers saw through all that and had the patience and understanding to hold me.

I’m worried I’ll have the strength to face the next set of endings that seem to be converging, beyond my control to the same few days in my near future, a real punch to my belly. Can I face the horrors of loss and stand up again somewhere new, I won’t be alone this time but my gallant knight has a few rust spots and belly wounds as well, that’s why he was so understanding.

It’s a chance to move away from the pain, but the pain has a certain familiarity.


Dependence of a codependent – moving away from pain.

My son was telling me of a horrific psychology experiment where a dog is in a cage, one half of the floor is electrocuted. The dog moves to the other side pretty quickly. They then locked the dog in the electrocuted side, after a while they remove the partition but the dog doesn’t move to the non painful side – it stays in pain. 

I have been bothered by this for days. Has the dogs will been broken, is it getting something from the pain? Why doesn’t it move? Am I the dog who had got so used to pain that that’s what I chose? After more than 45 years of codependency am I unable to even freely choose to move away? If they moved the dog away from the pain would it crawl back to it? Can it be saved? 

Chosing life as an upgrade

Choosing life as an upgrade?

I don’t remember as a child having the options to upgrade on almost everything we did. My poor old dog recently had a stroke but made a great recovery, the vet offered a prescription that would cost me £75 a month that would give her the ‘upgrade’ from normal and to be honest well past her sell by date life, to a better one and possibly even longer. I had to embarrassingly refuse, I love her to bits but I can’t afford it. I’m feeling tired of constantly having to chose the upgrades I can afford and suffer the embarrassment of those I can’t. Especially in front of my family and friends.

Normal hot chocolate or the one with the cream, flake and marshmallows; normal winter wonderland experience or the one with the premium ice skates and penguin; Santa’s knee or a full on trip to Lapland. A Skoda or a Volkswagen. My mums Christmas pudding or the one some celebrity chef has personally vomited on?

Are we all so arrogant to believe we (or at least our kids) should have the best? Sellers seem to be following this lucrative belief.

My partners old dad has just been offered a similar deal to the dog, NHS (no op, just some antibiotics) or private (to get an operation and subsequent improvement in quality of life). Isn’t it rather dark that we are in a world of choosing life as an upgrade?

smelly dog – lip fold dermatitis


Lip fold dermatitis- smelly dog

Firstly please know I am not a vet or qualified in animal care in any way. My poor old dog had been smelling so foul the house was like an abattoir. Off to the vet we go and find this stinky sore on her lower lip rotting away. The vet cleaned it up gave us antibiotics and some hibiscrub to clean it twice a day. It didn’t work. We were back, she cleaned it but to no avail. Dog hated the hibiscrub it obviously hurt her though she was an angel about it. 

So I’ve tried a few other things and found something that really worked. I mix half water half cider vinegar and wash the wound with that. The dog doesn’t mind it and instant smell relief I then rub in a little jojoba oil and we have a cure. Just have to repeat every few days but she doesn’t mind the vinegar at all.