Tag Archives: court

Gay rights will help hetrosexual human rights

Becoming a chattel

 

Two women (or men) fall in love, they are 18 and penniless.

Three years later they marry.

They both work but also start their own business. 

At 27 they start a family and decide that one will give up her career to bring up their family in the way they both want. 

Business goes really well. One works full time while the other rears the growing family and supports her partner in the business. 

At 45 the partner that works in the business full time has an affair and wants to end the marriage. 

Now what do you think happens

Their assets get split equally and both move house.

The partner who has control of the business gets a big mortgage and continues a very lavish lifestyle. The child rearer can not get a mortgage so lives frugally within her means.

But what about the business? The partner that cheated keeps the business while the other now non-skilled partner gets a payment each month from the business. The court decides 4% of the business profit. Which is just enough to live on, the cheating partner gets to keep 96% of a thriving business.

The law dictates that the partner that now owns the business can have intimate relationships and remarry without any consequence. The non skilled partner can only co-habit or remarry if she forgoes her monthly payments from the business (that she helped set up and enabled the controlling partner to succeed at whilst having a family as well). The controlling partner could opt for a final settlement but that doesn’t make financial sense, this way she has a loan that might just dissapear and has no interest.  She also gets to control her ex’s life.

That is the law as it stands today for hetrosexuals. I don’t think gay people will stand for this in their relationships. 

This happens in hetrosexual relationships because in uk law today women are regarded as chattels when they marry.

 

Chattel definition

n.

1. Law An article of movable personal property.

2. A slave.

Would you marry again? It’s a feminist issue

Against human rightsWould you marry again? It’s a feminist issue.

I married too young, with no consciousness of the legal contract I was entering. In my simple almost childish romantic youth I thought it was about love, that we were declaring a commitment of love to each other.

I didn’t want the obey words in but had no idea that in the eye of the law what I said was irrelevant. I did not realise I was selling myself as a chattel to this man. Chattel derives from the word cattle, need I say more? I was a moveable possession in law that he took responsibility for. It makes me curious how same sex partnerships will cope with divorce? Will chattel and owner be defined by earning capacity? Or do civil partnerships not have this antiquated law defining them in divorce. If so why can we not have hetro civil partnerships?

Why does it matter? Well apart from human ownership being slavery, it matters in divorce. My ex was given a choice. A final settlement, finishing things nice and cleanly and enabling us both to move on with our lives. Or maintenance payments – effectively an interest free loan with the side effect of him owning me in that should I co habit or remarry he never has to pay the money he owes from the life and business we built together. Guess which my narcisist ex chose?

I don’t believe I had a choice, I could leave with nothing from 25 years of building a life and business together except half the value of our marital home or receive maintenance payments for life that meant I did not have to work on minimum wage. A clean break would have given me the capital to make my own business work for me. Maintenance means a subsistence life, plus what I can earn. I’m in no doubt he could afford the clean break but he wouldn’t give me a clean break. I live in paranoia, it’s in his interest that I die or marry.

I don’t want to be a chattel

David Cameron is going to pay war widows and widowers their pension even if they remarry or cohabit as its ‘just wrong’ not to. I totally agree.

I really hope this changes the law for divorce, that we will no longer be chattels of the highest earner. No more alimony or maintenance where if you remarry you lose the money you were once entitled to.

My ex is very wealthy, and in finance his leaving was planned and the money well hidden. He sees maintenance as an interest free loan that might just disappear and I believe loves the narcissistic control that I can not afford to remarry while he is free to do as he likes.

If marriage was a business contract, I would be entitled to a percentage of the business we built together over 25 years, as he has rights to see the children he once ignored. And I’d be happy to have my share as shares or staged payments without the forbidding of any permanent relationship. ! my human rights and freedom curtailed. In business there is often an exclusion clause forbidding you to set up in business for a certain time and radius after a partnership is ended but in our case he ended the contract, his choice yet I have the exclusion contract.

I do hope in these times of same sex unions and the prime minister seeing sense for pensions in the forces it will be evident as the inevitable divorces happen that this idea of a chattel in divorce, is seen as unfair to human rights.

Chattel definition
Personal property is generally considered property that is movable,[1] as opposed to real property or real estate.

I would also like to see the law changed that no person can be the chattel of another, do we really want this in marriage today?

Standing up for yourself – recovering codependent

Standing up for yourself
As a recovering co- dependent. I understand what I am (finally after 40 odd years). But I do get shocked at the results when I stand my ground, it amazes me that instead of people hating me and deserting me I actually go up in their estimation, or if not theirs, people around me that really matter, respect me for my grit, and crucially I get support.

I won a court case against someone I believe was a narcissist recently, and the confidence it has given me is life altering. As is the respect from my colleagues and friends for taking it to court. I stood up to my daughter too but instead of her leaving me as I feared, we are closer – though it was hit and miss for a bit.

I heard from someone else that my brother thought I was not working, so I put him right, now he does his share of caring for my elderly mum too.

I struggle with my nature to please every day, but I know that if I totally subjugate my will, then resentment and depression will build in me and affect everyone I interact with. So I am consciously fighting my subconscious which is hard but hopefully in time will become habit.

How to fight being co-dependent?
Don’t act like a child, you are not 12 anymore, and have a right to have your opinion heard.
Realise that your indecision is really irritating to ‘normal’ people not making their life easier.
Co dependency is not love, being more submissive will not make them love you.
Demand some respect.
Take control of your finances.
Take control of what you wear.
Take control of at least some of your surroundings.
If you find your self either muttering aloud or in your head resentment thoughts. STOP. Then get whoever should be doing whatever it is to do it.
If you fail, don’t worry, just start trying again, things can change from whatever moment you are in – like now.

 

Love to hear anyone’s positive suggestions on how to recover from a lifetime of codependency. 

breathing

Breathing

Some years ago my son phoned me while I was at work, his older sister who was in charge had cut her hand and was screaming. He put her on the line, she was in agony – I later found she had severed several tendons in her hand – I gave the usual first aid instructions as I grabbed my keys and ran out the office door, but I also found myself telling her to breathe.

Later she said what an odd bit of advice, how could she not breathe? It was odd advice, I was panicking too much to qualify it. I had meant, slow down, don’t panic breathe, stay calm, I read recently that by controlling your breathing you can reduce anxiety, without medication, very effectively and I think that’s true. When my ex left mediation became my new bed companion. I have learnt to take longer breathing out than breathing in whenever anxiety strikes. It helps.

post divorce or marriage finance and law

Post marriage/divorce law

Two stories

Story 1
My friend is a 40ish young widow. 5 years on she has found love and would like to marry, she’s religious and it matters to her to say her vows in front of god. However if she marries she becomes her new man’s chattel and as such will lose her widows pension. She can’t afford to marry him, if the marriage failed she would have nothing.

Story 2
My friend is a 40ish divorcee. She married young and she and her husband built a business together, when children came along she was less involved in the business and brought the children up and worked part-time. He left, his choice not hers, breaking their contract. 

In divorce she can not make him sell the business and give her a percentage, what would be the point, so he agreed to pay her each month a fixed figure. He claimed he couldn’t afford a final settlement, it’s his nature to live on loans. But this is classed as spousal maintenance, so she can never remarry or co-habit, while he can, while the business grows from the seeds they set up together she is on a fixed income. Again although divorced she is his chattel until another bloke takes her on.

Law for women stinks, the poorer spouse can not afford to challenge the law, the richer spouse has the law in their favour so they are not going to alter it.

small claims court

Small claims court experience

 

A client owed me about £1000 so I took them to the small claims court and after much mucking around I won. Despite them sending a barrister against me ( a barrister costs about £300 an hour) so he spent more money fighting this than if he’d just paid the bill. 

The case was interesting as I was suing an insolvency practitioner, so someone who knew all the tricks of unpaid debts and court and he still felt a barrister against a sole trader was acceptable.

So some tips

If they use a barrister in a small claim they are worried they will lose

If they offer half or more before you step into court they are worried they will lose

In court I was put in the witness box and cross examined like the guilty one, but as they only had the barrister they were not, I felt guilty and got at by them and the judge. I was the prosecuter!

If the defendent tells you the case has been adjourned do not believe them. Check direct with the court. They are trying to trick you into not attending and thus get the case thrown out. 

Don’t expect people in a position of trust to play nice.

Don’t let nerves get to you, the barrister tried to make me really nervous before we went in and even told me the likely outcome. Remember they are working for the otherside not you, don’t believe a word they say ( though they might mix in some tuths to make it believable. 

Try to stay calm and stand up for yourself.

Wear blue, it’s supposedly non confrontational.

Just answer honestly.

 

Now we will see if he pays within 14 days or I can blog about sending bailiffs in.