Category Archives: narcissism

narcissistic codependent relationships

The first few months after he left (3)

Over the next few months the bottom fell out of her world, she spent most of the day’s crying. 

Her sons 14th birthday was in 10 days and she had arranged a go-carting party for him. He said he was coming too, she spent so much energy gathering herself for the torture of that day.  

She fantasised that he would see what a happy family they were and turn around and say sorry, he’d been an idiot let’s make up. But nothing happened.  

She asked if there was another woman, he said no. Another wave of days over took her. It was a month till Christmas. She booked some counselling with relate but it wasn’t till new year. She found a lawyer. She worked on the house renovation she was doing. The plan had been to move in the new year and she focused on that. By Christmas she had lost two stone in weight without trying.  

Her friends were supportive and she had her first night out as a single mum just before Christmas. With her weight loss and devil may care attitude she danced the night away. Some bloke took a fancy to her and danced with her, oh she was so flattered, after her complete rejection that she thought what the heck and when he tried to kiss her she didn’t say no. Wow it felt amazing to be desired again, but when a friend pointed out he had a wedding ring on she was mortified and ran away.  

She sent out the Christmas cards without his name on and her new address, the first most friends knew of it, as he hadn’t wanted anyone to know.

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She nodded as he lied to the children (2)

It might seem strange after such a short conversation to know it was over but she did. She told the kids dad had gone on another work trip, the kids were not phased he was always doing that. She met a divorced girl friend in the supermarket car park after dropping the kids off who just held her. She asked if he was on drugs, had a brain tumor or another woman. 

‘No no no he just doesn’t want me anymore.’

She googled what to do and decided that he had to decide if it was over and called him, he said it was but wanted some time to think about it. How long she asked? Six months he said, maybe more, she was thinking more like the weekend! She said if he needed that long he had to tell the kids. He agreed and came round in the evening and told the kids lies while she nodded.
‘It will be amicable’
‘I still love your mum’
‘There’s no one else’
‘If we split up everything will be divided equally’

I can’t do this anymore (1)

‘I can’t do this any more’
‘If you feel like that you had better leave’.
‘You mean the spare bedroom or …’
‘No. Just go’.
He left, it was probably their third or fourth major argument in their twenty five year marriage and still no raised voices. With the gift of hindsight she realised the argument a couple of years before was when she knew it was over, he had explained that he was only staying for the children. She thought it was just a blip. Now she realised he couldn’t even do that. She still loved him. He had been out the night before like he often did these days and when he got home she had complained that he never wore his wedding ring. She cried all night and in the morning they had this four line conversation and it was over.

rejection

My son spends more and more time with his rich narcissist dad. He doesn’t bring friends home to me, I can tell he’s embarrassed. I see pictures of him on Facebook with his friends partying at his dad’s house. I’ve got to the point where it hurts so much I just want to say to him go.

It’s money, his dad has a city centre mansion, loads of parking, a hot tub, all I can afford is a home in a town half an hour away with a bad reputation next door to the pub. Of course he is embarrassed.

I’m crying because I know I have to let him go, his dad can give him so much convenience and luxury. Abu Dhabi formula one with a pass to the Pits… I watch as he checks the sell-by dates of things in my fridge, my poverty means you eat things a few days past but he’s proud to admit he’s a foodo, he only eats the best. I had a chance for a few days away from a kind friend but refused as my son was home, now he’s off to dads as it’s just more convenient more logical. I missed that chance.

He’s got a few days at half term with me, but he’s in college doing extra classes, because he missed so much with holidays with his dad, I’m sure he’d have stayed with his dad but he’s away on his second ski holiday this year with his new family.

I am fed up, upset, crying, my ex sent me an email telling me he had won a year ago. He was right. I hadn’t even realised it was a war but I see now, he who has the money to buy what they want wins and I am a peasant squirminly accepting what crumbs my kids offer. What if I say NO? What if I live a life where I do what I want?  It doesn’t matter I take what’s offered but should I be brave and say to my son, it’s fine stay with your dad, it’s much more logical not to have the commute as your exams approach? It’s a sticking plaster, I’m hurting so much it might be easier to let him go with one last rip.

 

Dependence of a codependent – moving away from pain.

My son was telling me of a horrific psychology experiment where a dog is in a cage, one half of the floor is electrocuted. The dog moves to the other side pretty quickly. They then locked the dog in the electrocuted side, after a while they remove the partition but the dog doesn’t move to the non painful side – it stays in pain. 

I have been bothered by this for days. Has the dogs will been broken, is it getting something from the pain? Why doesn’t it move? Am I the dog who had got so used to pain that that’s what I chose? After more than 45 years of codependency am I unable to even freely choose to move away? If they moved the dog away from the pain would it crawl back to it? Can it be saved? 

Discarded by a narcisist

I’m over him, I know, but still sometimes I get a little wave rippling on from that tsunami. Yesterday’s wave was a feeling of being discarded.

My ex is wealthy and I am not, so my kids have this odd thing going on where dad takes them on lovely holidays, buys them cars etc and they feel guilty when they see me for accepting. Sadly this often comes out as aggression to me. So he’s taking my daughter skiing and paying for an amazing experience trip around Asia for her summer. It leaves me with complicated emotions, it must leave her with even more, so I take her snappiness and smile and say how wonderful and send her back to uni with homemade vegetable stew. I can’t compete and I don’t want to.


How do children feel when they see their parents like this? One super rich (but can’t afford a final settlement) and the other scraping by? Pity? Anger? I don’t know how to help them cope with these emotions.

Are you a codependent and are you in a bad relationship – a checklist

I am a codependent but I strive not to be in a codependent relationship. I believe my nature (DNA) is codependent reinforced by an abusive childhood and hammered home by marrying a narcissist. No medical training just my experience talking. Better not Broken blogged about a checklist with some very strong ‘tells’ such as ‘does your partner use the choke hold in sex, does he own a gun’ and I felt my personal checklist was a little more subtle and promised I’d try to write it. I do hope I can separate the two things, although I will always be a codependent, I am trying very hard to not be in a codependent relationship so there are two checklists. So here goes.

Are you a codependent?
Are you told often you are too nice?
Do you love to solve people’s problems?
Do you shrink if people around you get angry – even if it’s not at you?
Are you always offering to help and then wondering why you did because it will make things difficult for you?
If anything goes wrong even if not your fault do you take the blame?
When you book tickets for friends do you pay the booking fee?
Do you find your days todo list is mostly what other people have asked you to do?
Are you unable to let yourself go and think about what you really want to do?
Do you have time for hobbies? Do you think your lack of hobbies makes you boring?
Would you give up your meal for someone else and hide the fact you haven’t been able to eat?
When someone lets you down do you strive to make them feel ok about it?
Do you excuse and defend others their bad behaviour?
Do you pick up the dog poo on a dog walk?

Are you in a subtle codependent relationship?
It was a whirlwind romance and you were swept off your feet.
If you are doing something together like cooking and it goes wrong, you take the blame and he lets you.
When you try to help with something they should be doing and it isn’t perfect they have a tantrum and make it your fault.
If you book a holiday on orders to their chosen destination you get anger and derision at your spending when the bill arrives.
Money, you are given an allowance it’s not equal despite your partnership.
They are not open about their income.
They hide things from you.
They have more than one mobile phone.
Your codependency is assumed – ‘I’m going out Friday’ Not ‘can you look after the kids please’
They conflict, in that they want a stay at home mum for kids but also a wife with a great job and respect.
When you get a job it is undermined.
If your boss is kind and you enjoy your job you must be having an affair.
They talk of support but they don’t do it.

They talk love but they don’t do it.

You are ostracised from your family.
You get the silent treatment.
They don’t feel the need to explain why they are late, you just have to accept.
If you try to ask (you suspect an affair) the response is if you ask again I will have an affair.
The home is never clean enough.
You are made to feel stupid, you watch the wrong tv.
You start looking into plastic surgery to make yourself better for them.
You are scared to get counselling because underneath you know the councillor will see what you are, and your partner doesn’t want you to.
They suggest you are depressed and you start to believe them.
They withdraw from sex.
You find the occasional sex is only ever about their pleasure, and if you fail to make them come it’s your fault.
They withdraw completely physically.
They tell you you are too needy.
You are always defending them, to your kids, family and friends.
They are too important to do menial tasks.
You have to sign documents without reading them.
You have to entertain all their important people and do all the work but they take the credit.

You feel small.

By no means an exhaustive checklist and entirely from personal experience. I am so hopeful that by knowing what I am I can change how I behave. Happy, healthy new year everyone!