Four years ago tonight I made a bad stew…
The next morning my husband of 25 years said he couldn’t do this anymore and left. After a few months apart, with him insisting there was no one else and he just needed time but he wasn’t sure how much. Could be years, he just wanted me to wait with no answer. I had a relate session booked and after at first refusing in the last second he showed up and brought out from his pocket a list of my failings. Top of the list was the bad stew, along with my choice of TV programs like House. That I dressed like a builder (I was a builder), and just wasn’t perfect and other things along that vain. After the session we had a coffee and he told me how the session was really good and that the councillor was on his side.
Still insisting there was no one else it was not until 8 months later I found out from a third party (her husband) he had been seeing someone for some time and the stew was the contrived excuse to get away. Then it took me years to work out the narcissist co-dependent relationship we had was in fact what had been going on.
After several relate sessions the councillor did level with me and said reluctantly that I was a doormat – quite harsh words for a councillor but totally right. She saw what I couldn’t at the time. When you are in it you just don’t believe it, it’s ‘love’ and you’re just not working hard enough to deserve it. My unhappiness I felt was my fault and my failing to cook the perfect stew and keep the perfect house, get the perfect job, with the perfect family and pets was all my failing, that he was off shagging who liked was also my fault – that’s what they say isn’t it? Codependents are martyrs who blame themselves, and Narcissists just encourage that.
Four years on I still struggle with trying to please and feel very immature emotionally, but it’s getting better the more I learn.