Sometimes I miss my narcisist. I’m ashamed to admit.

 Sometimes I miss the Narcissist – I’m ashamed to admit.

I know how horrible he was at the end but at the start and while I was still of use to him it was amazing. I know it’ was not real now, but at the time being swept off my feet, being seduced by someone so confident was an amazing feeling.

After the narcissist I eventually met my new partner and knew what it felt like to fall in love, it’s not the same as with the narcissist, that was a seduction of a naive girl. Not so much a fall as a hand lifting me to a podium and later a prisoner, a Rapunzel in her castle.

I did love him but I never had a chance to fall in love, it was all about what he ‘felt’ for me and I was so flattered I never questioned whether his feelings were real or if my feelings had any relevance. That his words of love we’re all possessive. Here was a man who wanted me – after a violent childhood and feeling not wanted and some issues with appearance, I really could not have done anything else than be flattered and swept away. I didn’t stand a chance.

To him I must have been a gift of codependency, so grateful for attention and ‘love’. I tried so hard to be good enough that I suspect I accelerated his narcissism in my codependency, my supply, my enablement made his destruction of our marriage inevitable.

The trouble is after experiencing being swept off your feet, real love can seem a little tame, not at first but a few years on as healthy independence grows and comfortableness settles in, a teeny bit of me fantasises about being needed in the same way. I have to recognise that I’m so conditioned for codependency, from my childhood and most of my adult life that there will always be a gap for a narcissist in my life, does anyone know a way of safely closing that gap? Of getting a balance. 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Sometimes I miss my narcisist. I’m ashamed to admit.

  1. theKelseySlim

    I’m not brave enough to be as candid as you, about the gaps that I’ve felt in the past. All I know is that they had existed from as long as I can remember. Maybe this isn’t what you want to hear, but what has helped me fill these gaps is my faith in God and the Bible. I didn’t always know God personally. So when these gaps started completely taking over my life, causing me to question my desire to even be alive anymore, I decided to try learning more about God and getting to know Him personally through the Bible. Since then, God has continually given me the strength to overcome things that I thought I’d never be able to be free from. It’s not been easy. Contrary to what many people say and think, God is not a hocus-pocus magician in the sky who will give us whatever we want when we want it. He is a Father who will give us those things which are truly best for us (not simply the things we want, or the things we think are best for us), in the way that He knows is best.

    I can’t prove these things to you. All I can do is share what I’ve experienced (which is proof for me, but probably not so much for you) and urge you to try Him for yourself. And I don’t want to leave you in the dark with these seemingly vague words, so if you ever have a question or just want to know more, you can email me (thekelseyslim @ gmail.com – I put a space on each side of the @ sign to prevent spam).

    I’m so glad that you’ve been able to make it out of that horrible, abusive relationship with the narcissist. I’m praying for you.

    Kelsey ❤
    P.S. I like your writing. You write very freely and openly.

    Reply
    1. mathematicalpie Post author

      Thank you. The father figure for me does not emote a favourable image! However i understand what you are saying and have found some solace in my local church though have some difficulties with religion mot least that its religion that makes us chattels of men. But without mans translation i believe there is something to a spiritual belief and faith.

      Reply
  2. Tela

    I don’t think it’s so much a ‘gap’…..what you are describing is a trauma-bond. You were getting the highest of high’s and then the lowest of lows from the ex Narcissist. Now that you have what sounds like just the middle ground marriage, you eventually find yourself needing that ‘fix’, the trauma bond. Those thoughts eventually will go away completely. Give time…….time.

    Reply
    1. mathematicalpie Post author

      Trauma bond. That makes a lot of sense. Im not in a marriage now just a long term relationship with a very kind man who shows me what it can be like to be ‘normal’ . Thank you for your kind comments

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s