Sometimes I miss the Narcissist – I’m ashamed to admit.
I know how horrible he was at the end but at the start and while I was still of use to him it was amazing. I know it’ was not real now, but at the time being swept off my feet, being seduced by someone so confident was an amazing feeling.
After the narcissist I eventually met my new partner and knew what it felt like to fall in love, it’s not the same as with the narcissist, that was a seduction of a naive girl. Not so much a fall as a hand lifting me to a podium and later a prisoner, a Rapunzel in her castle.
I did love him but I never had a chance to fall in love, it was all about what he ‘felt’ for me and I was so flattered I never questioned whether his feelings were real or if my feelings had any relevance. That his words of love we’re all possessive. Here was a man who wanted me – after a violent childhood and feeling not wanted and some issues with appearance, I really could not have done anything else than be flattered and swept away. I didn’t stand a chance.
To him I must have been a gift of codependency, so grateful for attention and ‘love’. I tried so hard to be good enough that I suspect I accelerated his narcissism in my codependency, my supply, my enablement made his destruction of our marriage inevitable.
The trouble is after experiencing being swept off your feet, real love can seem a little tame, not at first but a few years on as healthy independence grows and comfortableness settles in, a teeny bit of me fantasises about being needed in the same way. I have to recognise that I’m so conditioned for codependency, from my childhood and most of my adult life that there will always be a gap for a narcissist in my life, does anyone know a way of safely closing that gap? Of getting a balance.