Depression? Questions to ask…

Feeling depressed, questions to ask

First I want to say I believe real depression exists, indeed I have friends that struggle with it. Having said that I thought I was depressed, my ex told me I was (gas lighting?), but now with the clarity of hindsight I don’t believe I was, not the proper depression I see in some friends anyway.

My first experience with ‘depression’ was as I had a series of miscarriages, my now ex suggested I get help, at the time I’d recently had a later miscarriage and was shocked he thought I was depressed, I considered it carefully but came to my own conclusion that I was justifiably sad, not depressed, it was my body going through this, he appeared to be able to shake off each loss easily but I had to go through the complexities of bereavement each time. I stopped counting the losses when we got to double figures and finally lost the ability to conceive after multiple ectopic pregnancies. Then had to mourn my loss of that, the end of my fertility, something we normally have to face in menopause. Still I don’t think I was depressed – though hardly life and sole of the party! I was justifiably sad.

Later in our marriage as the kids prepared to leave, my husband  started his midlife crisis, his narcissistic traits became more exaggerated and I found myself in a lonely, loveless marriage not understanding his withdrawal from me (I had no idea he had already moved on). I was on the surface, lucky, 2.5 kids, lovely home, charismatic husband, financially well off, lots of holidays. So I was perplexed at my feelings of sadness and loneliness, and depression, I went on anti depressants and had some counselling. The anti depressants zombified me, I would not recommend them. My life and needs were totally suppressed by the drugs and the narcism. The drugs could not cure the fact that my life was deprived of a loving partner. 

Trapped in a marriage that sapped my freedom (not that I understood this at the time, I believed it was depression).
Finally he found the balls to leave me. It was sudden and at the time unexpected. I can see now that I’d come off the zombie drugs and got myself a job where I was blown away by what it felt like to be appreciated for doing stuff, I was no longer at my husbands beck and call 24/7 and he didn’t like it. He left.

Since then I have and still am working hard not to act as a co-dependant (or go too far the other way!) I now know what it feels like to be loved and am sad to realise my husband never felt love for me, I was just useful to him. I also know I was never actually depressed, I wish I’d not taken anti depressants and instead concentrated on counselling. I know I would never have left my husband, I had made a commitment I believed in, so I am unbelievably grateful to him for setting me free.

So what am I trying to say?
Don’t jump to conclusions that you are depressed
Try taking more control of your life instead
Try counselling before drugs
If you are thinking you are depressed but can’t see why, look at your relationships, especially your close ones.

This is just my experience, if you feel suicidal please get professional help now.


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