Standing up for yourself – recovering codependent

Standing up for yourself
As a recovering co- dependent. I understand what I am (finally after 40 odd years). But I do get shocked at the results when I stand my ground, it amazes me that instead of people hating me and deserting me I actually go up in their estimation, or if not theirs, people around me that really matter, respect me for my grit, and crucially I get support.

I won a court case against someone I believe was a narcissist recently, and the confidence it has given me is life altering. As is the respect from my colleagues and friends for taking it to court. I stood up to my daughter too but instead of her leaving me as I feared, we are closer – though it was hit and miss for a bit.

I heard from someone else that my brother thought I was not working, so I put him right, now he does his share of caring for my elderly mum too.

I struggle with my nature to please every day, but I know that if I totally subjugate my will, then resentment and depression will build in me and affect everyone I interact with. So I am consciously fighting my subconscious which is hard but hopefully in time will become habit.

How to fight being co-dependent?
Don’t act like a child, you are not 12 anymore, and have a right to have your opinion heard.
Realise that your indecision is really irritating to ‘normal’ people not making their life easier.
Co dependency is not love, being more submissive will not make them love you.
Demand some respect.
Take control of your finances.
Take control of what you wear.
Take control of at least some of your surroundings.
If you find your self either muttering aloud or in your head resentment thoughts. STOP. Then get whoever should be doing whatever it is to do it.
If you fail, don’t worry, just start trying again, things can change from whatever moment you are in – like now.


Love to hear anyone’s positive suggestions on how to recover from a lifetime of codependency. 


4 thoughts on “Standing up for yourself – recovering codependent

  1. Wendy Powell

    I do recognize this pattern of being worried that if I stand up for myself people will not like me. In my case, it was because my mother was a narcissist, so if I did not do what she wanted, she would ignore me for days. This was so painful as a child, it made it very difficult to “risk” standing up for myself later in my life.

    1. mathematicalpie Post author

      That’s comforting to hear. My dad was a N. He beat us if we stood up for ourselves. Then I married a N… But now I’m free and anxious not to make the same mistake. It’s tough altering behaviour patterns isn’t it.

      1. Wendy Powell

        Yes, it certainly is. I’ve been writing a bit about it (based on my experience and what I’ve read) It may help. What surprised me the most, is how much of this behaviour is not conscious. We do it and we never considered why we do it. I’m trying to peel that layer back now…

      2. mathematicalpie Post author

        I completely agree. Over 45 years and this behaviour is subconscious and hard to fight. But I win small battles and get positive reinforcement and change happens. Hope you are winning your fight too

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