Being a good parent in divorce
When my ex left I was a terrible mother, it was such a shock that I really completely lost it, for two months I merely functioned, I fed my kids and attended events as it was approaching Christmas but I wasn’t really there. I cried so much. I spent a lot of time hiding in my duvet. They appeared to take it better than me, but I feel embarrassed that I was not stronger for them, I regret that I didn’t support them properly. Emotionally. They supported me aged 14 and 17 and were superb.
My older daughter made a playIist of songs called better off without him. My son kept a grip on fairness and equality when I might have given up everything. They were not phased when I dated again, and even encouraged me, and they have both taken on my lovely man open heartedly.
It’s been such a hard 3 years for them watching their mother, as they knew her, fade away then be reborn into some strange creature, who does mad things and acts their age, let alone what their father has done. But even though I live a younger life now and have lots of fun, I’m still mum.
Three years on and I am struggling, my 20 year old daughter is not talking to me as last weekend I acted as her mother and not her friend. I told her a hard truth, which she took the wrong way. It was only really a minor thing about seeing her gran – my mum – as she’s done a lot for the ex’s mum lately and I felt she was being manipulated by her paternal grandmother. Can’t think where the ex got his narcissistic traits from! She gives my daughter very expensive gifts, then asks a favour, my poor daughter is then obliged. Sadly my daughter thinks I meant she’s a gold digger, I keep asking her to reread our messages and understand that isn’t what I said, but she’s fixed it in her head now.
I hate that in divorce that if you say anything, discipline, moral guidance, anything, if the kids don’t like what you say they ask/run to the other, who immediately caves to get in their good books.
I was so sad to get a text from her using all the words my ex used, either that’s strong genetic linguistics or he coloured her language some how. And yes there’s also that thing in my head that says if they are saying the same things maybe it’s true that I’m nasty and mean and petty?
This morning my son drove on the road with me for the first time, he was brilliant but there was a small incident at a roundabout that left me white knuckled and screaming stop stop stop very loudly . He was annoyed with me but when he got back from college I got a big hug and a sorry. We have made a pact that ‘what’s said in the car stays in the car’ and we carry on as normal out of that. He deals with things very differently to most people. I envy him his ability to have such clear vision.