divorce and facing suicide

Divorce and facing suicide

Yes sadly it went through my head, he left very suddenly, it was a massive shock though with the clarity of hindsight I can of course see the signs. I went into utter shock for a few weeks, so of course I considered opting out. I felt worthless, and more than that unimportant, I was a hinderance to people’s lives. I argued that they would all breathe a sigh of relief if I wasn’t there, my ex could move on and start a new family, my kids could adopt a proper mother instead of the defunct one they had inherited.

What stopped me? For a start I didn’t know how to do it, I didn’t want pain, though I felt I deserved it. The idea of my kids finding me hanging was just a no no. Though the image of hanging is very strong in my head. I would not want to put anyone else at risk so jumping in front of something didn’t work. I didn’t want it not to succeed so it had to be fool proof. Luckily I didn’t do it, the shock left me so exhausted that I really didn’t have the energy.

There were other times when the shock had receded that I considered it, when the stress and pain were too much. When he tried to starve me into submission to sign forms while he went skiing with his new family. Luckily after carefully considering the suicide option it made me turn a corner, I realised if suicide was a realistic option then I literally had nothing to lose, I could take any risk, do anything stupid as the alternative was death. I could give up everything and donate my life to doing good, surely better than the waste of death? If I was no longer afraid of death I was no longer afraid of anything. This was incredibly empowering and liberating. I booked a parachute jump, and had a few silly flings with young handsome men that I thoroughly enjoyed knowing there was no future in it. I went clubbing, bought a kayak and went off on my free weekends. I was a woman behaving badly (only on my weekends without kids). I started learning who I was. That I love life. That I don’t need to be scared anymore. I learnt who he was too, I discovered how gullible and submissive I had been and that infact this love of my life was not a very nice person. That my kids needed me.

I learnt that only in sinking so low could I really appreciate life, so if suicide knocks on your door, face it. Think about it, then chose to live a liberated life.

When you don’t fear death there is only life

 

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