When my ex left, loneliness was I thought going to be incredibly hard and frightened the living day lights out of me, but relatively quickly I came to some tough reality conclusions
- I was just as lonely in my marriage as out of it. In fact more lonely in my marriage, as I was not in a position to be out there looking for love and friendship as I was committed in a controlling marriage.
- I discovered a lot of the friends I had were merely acquaintances or networking opportunists – in a lot of ways this was harder than the divorce as I had to really question my judgement of characters that before I had relied on.
- Loneliness is not the same as being alone.
- Later I found out how amazing real requited love feels, and I am so thankful for this. And the friends I now have are really there for me, not what I (or my very successful ex) can do for them financially.
- To fight loneliness get busy, get out of the house.
In fact I had thought in marriage I was depressed but in fact I was isolated in a loveless marriage with a narcissist. When he left, in time my depression lifted and the enjoyment of life slowly returned. Being controlled and treated badly makes you feel badly about yourself.
They all say – you have to ‘find yourself’ I didn’t know what that meant, but now it means (to me) being able to make a decision for yourself and probably enjoying the consequences, but if not, knowing at least it was your choice.
The other phrase you hear a lot in divorce articles is about loving yourself, although hard to do, just learning not to hate yourself is an amazing feeling, liberating when you realise even if people generally don’t love you they really don’t hate you either. Which is sadly what 25 years with a narcissist does.
If you feel controlled in a relationship like this please get help and if possible end it. Life doesn’t have to be that hard.